DAYDREAM

There are things that I can't fathom and it usually occurs at night. I seldom have answers and it normally stuck me in a trance, it's more like a daydream in disguise. These thoughts drag on for days which caused so many sleepless nights. I lie awake staring at the ceiling and wonder about things that I don't understand. I'm mostly tired and exhausted because of  lack of sleep but still shutting my brain and my eyes is becoming a struggle day by day by day by day. Brain and eyes, these two don't work well and doesn't cooperate with each other. I hate it.

I love daydreaming just like Anne from Ann with an E. I breathe daydreams. I woke up to it but unfortunately can't sleep with it. I blame it to insomnia but really daydreaming in the unlikely hours of the night is the culprit. It's weird I call it daydreaming but the occurrence is during nighttime. Does it even count as daydreams? 

If only these bags under my eyes is a high-end brand I'd love to keep it but NO. It makes me look old and exhausted. So why do I daydream at night again? I don't know. I'd like to answer that but if I have answers then I should have been long gone sleeping and snoring now. Instead I'm here typing like an insomniac who can't even arrange her thoughts in a blog. Who cares anyway, I don't even know if someone is really reading this (Haha). I just want to let it out in the universe that I can't sleep. Maybe not in the universe just in the world wide web. There.

RETENTION

It's probably the most devastating week that you have experienced. Every single shit happened this week. Errors. Deadlines. A disappointed boss. Changes. It's inevitable. Change is inevitable. You hate change. Well, at least that feeling is constant. 

Early Thursday morning you were summoned by one of your team to have a small meeting. As you were walking towards the meeting area your mind was already helping your emotions cope up with it. You were anxious to know what's going on. And then, you've heard the news that your execs assistant will be resigning. Oops! Another BS for the week. Deep inside of you your asking the universe...

"Are we experiencing Mercury retrograde?"

You can't possibly think of any reason why all these shitty things are happening all at once in a week.

THE NIGHT AFFAIR

Lying in bed trying to sleep but unable to. Sat up for 15 minutes. Looked around the room. Finally, I decided to stand up.

It's been so long since I've experienced insomnia. I've been sleeping fine for the past few months but recently I've been having a hard time to sleep at night. I'm not sure if it's the caffeine intake during day time or it's the things lurking in my head before going to bed. Sometimes I wonder which is stronger the things in my head or caffeine. Nonetheless, I can't fall asleep.

I can't even finish writing this blog. So, I'll probably stop here.

IT'S NOT THE END IF YOU HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED

I went out with a friend couple of months ago. The usual coffee-catch-up kind of date. We were talking about mental health, our daily lives as a mother, old friends we no longer see and suddenly she asked me why I stopped writing. I thought for a second and suddenly instead of grasping for an answer I started asking myself too...why?

Truth is, I don't really know. I always like to think that I didn't really stop but just putting a temporary halt to it. I'm no writer but I love writing so much. I equally love reading and writing it's like my bacon and egg. But then again it didn't answer the question "why did you stop?'

Preoccupied - for the past few years I've been doing a lot of things. If before I'm only a daughter and a sister, now I've leveled up in the family game. I'm now a mother and a wife. Quite a job, really. Aside from being a full-time Mom and wife, I also have a full time work which luckily I can do home-based. My hands are full everyday. 

Epiphany - this little friend of mine keeps on forgetting to visit. I've never experienced epiphany for a very long time. I'm not sure why but instead of epiphany I'm always visited by anxiety almost everyday.

I want to write more excuses but I think these two would suffice. And oh! I'm not also good in writing excuses. I'm very bad at it. The writing above is a perfect example.

30TH

I've been thinking about a lot of things I want to do lately. I'm not sure if it's because I'm no longer on my twenties or I'm scaring myself that I haven't specifically done anything extraordinary from my boring everyday life. So, I've been thinking of organizing the unread books on my shelf and put them in one corner and set a schedule when to read them and make a book review. Oh book review! Splendid!

Yesterday, I just did what I thought was an idea and today I finished one book and right now I'm about to write my first book review which I will be posting on a separate blog (or maybe here).

So, I think this is it, to sanity and beyond! Hahaha. Whatever gee! *rolling eyeballs*


P.S.

This is really not a blog about me going on 30. Nope. Not at all.

P.P.S

After how many years I finally decided to change how this page looks. Hahaha. I really have issues in letting things go.

MELANCHOLIC EPISODES

So here you are again knocking into the deepest, darkest and the most melancholic slice of yourself. You come to this not because you want to or you need to. It just happened. Suddenly. Out of nowhere. One day you woke up and then you're sad and lonely inside. You feel empty. You feel like any moment one tear would fall which will be followed by endless of tears and flashbacks. You come to this not because you want to. You come to this because sometimes this sad character hiding inside you wants to have a taste of your mundane life. This character hiding inside of you wants to shower you with sadness and let you walk into the dark alley of loneliness and would lead you to the slums of 'what ifs' and 'what could have been'.

Now, the question is WHY?

Why in the midst of happiness and satisfaction that this life has to offer you choose to be sad. Why did you open the 'save box' of regrets. Why did you choose to cry alone in the shower. Why did you choose to let go of that one opportunity that you've been waiting for so long. Why did you feel like giving up. WHY NOW?

Maybe because you will always have this 'melancholic episodes' no matter where you are, who you are with or what you will become in the future. You will always have this phase and you will never outgrow it because you can't afford to be happy all the time.

BECAUSE TODAY

I thought of writing before cleaning the house. I thought of the things that doesn't normally knock me in the head. I thought about the little things that happen in my dreams every night. I thought about the things that I don't usually think about.

Because today I thought of drinking 4 mugs of coffee in the morning. I thought of waking up in the middle of the night. I thought of sleeping in the middle of the day. I thought about working in wee hours and I thought about walking when the sun brutally shines in the afternoon. When sweat is rushing my entire system and wipe it with regrets.

Because today I thought of squeezing my brain until words come out like tears falling from a heart break, like water falls in the middle of the forest, like how epiphany plays a little trick on you and gives you tons of ideas while you're in the middle of a train ride. Like how you stupidly attempt to write in the middle of nothing -nothing at all.